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ASSERTIVENESS
Most people can be assertive in some situations, and yet be
ineffectual in others. When a person is passive, opportunities
are lost and unpleasant situations are tolerated.
In time, bad feelings can build to a point where one more
event can trigger an explosion of resentment that in turn
provokes criticism or rejection.
Guideline for Behaving Assertively
1. When expressing refusal, express a decisive "no"; explain
why you are refusing, but don't be unduly apologetic. Where
applicable, offer the other person an alternative course of
action.
2. Give as prompt and brief a reply as you can, without interruptions.
3. Insist on being treated with fairness and justice.
4. Request an explanation when asked to do something unreasonable.
5. Look the person you're talking to in the eye. Check your other
body language for things that might convey indirectness or lack
of selfassurance (e.g., hand over mouth, shuffling feet). Watch
your voice tone and inflection, making sure that it is neither
a subaudible whisper nor overly loud.
6. When expressing annoyance or criticism, remember: Comment on the
person's behavior, rather than attack him/her.
7. When commenting on another's behavior, try to use "I statements":
Example: "When you keep cancelling out on social arrangements at
the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really
annoyed." Where possible, offer a suggestion for an alternative
behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out
how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of
inconveniencing.")
8. Keep a log of your assertion-related responses; review them,
talk them over with a friend. Watch good models.
9. Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first; don't leap into
the most emotionally-laden situation you can think of right away!
You don't unlearn bad habits, or learn new skills, overnight.
It is a process not an event.
10. Reward yourself in some way each time you've pushed yourself to
make an assertive response - whether or not you get the desired
results from the other person.
11. Don't beat yourself over the head when you behave nonassertively
or aggressively; merely try to figure out where you went astray
and how to improve your handling of the situation next time.
REAL RELATIONSHIPS
Partners who make a Real Relationship work have certain skills.
They know and practice communication skills, which allows
them to form a relationship that can endure, deepen, and grow.
Richard Pfeiffer, Director of Growth Central and author of
Creating Real Relationships explains:
"Relationships can be a reservoir of great human joy on one hand or
deepest pain on the other. Love begins with both dreams and fantasy:
the hope of being understood, known, and truly accepted; the hope
of being safe and making another safe, of belonging; the hope of deep
passion; the hope of a lasting and transforming bond. But hope collides
with the realities of love."
A real relationship promises more personal growth, greater
development of the real self, more meaning and healthy closeness,
and emotional and spiritual healing.
A Guideline for Self Esteem Behavior
1. When expressing refusal, express a decisive "no"; explain
why you are refusing, but don't be unduly apologetic. Where
applicable, offer the other person an alternative course of
action.
2. Give as prompt and brief a reply as you can, without interruptions.
3. Insist on being treated with fairness and justice.
4. Request an explanation when asked to do something unreasonable.
5. Look the person you're talking to in the eye. Check your other
body language for things that might convey indirectness or lack
of selfassurance (e.g., hand over mouth, shuffling feet). Watch
your voice tone and inflection, making sure that it is neither
a subaudible whisper nor overly loud.
6. When expressing annoyance or criticism, remember: Comment on the
person's behavior, rather than attack him/her.
7. When commenting on another's behavior, try to use "I statements":
Example: "When you keep cancelling out on social arrangements at
the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really
annoyed." Where possible, offer a suggestion for an alternative
behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out
how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of
inconveniencing.")
8. Keep a log of your self esteem related responses; review them,
talk them over with a friend. Watch good models.
9. Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first; don't leap into
the most emotionally-laden situation you can think of right away!
You don't unlearn bad habits, or learn new skills, overnight.
It is a process not an event.
10. Reward yourself in some way each time you've pushed yourself to
make an assertive response - whether or not you get the desired
results from the other person.
Online Relaxation Exercises Relaxing Phrases
Sometimes it is helpful to repeat certain phrases to yourself in order to deepen your state of relaxation. A series of phrases are presented for you here.
National Institute of Mental Health
American Mental Health Association
National Suicide Hotline
24 hours / 7 days
National Hotline
1-800-448-3000
TTY - National Hotline
1-800-448-1833
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