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Resources

ASSERTIVENESS

Most people can be assertive in some situations, and yet be

ineffectual in others. When a person is passive, opportunities

are lost and unpleasant situations are tolerated.

In time, bad feelings can build to a point where one more

event can trigger an explosion of resentment that in turn

provokes criticism or rejection. 

Guideline for Behaving Assertively

1. When expressing refusal, express a decisive "no"; explain

why you are refusing, but don't be unduly apologetic. Where

applicable, offer the other person an alternative course of

action.

2. Give as prompt and brief a reply as you can, without interruptions.

3. Insist on being treated with fairness and justice.

4. Request an explanation when asked to do something unreasonable.

5. Look the person you're talking to in the eye. Check your other

body language for things that might convey indirectness or lack

of selfassurance (e.g., hand over mouth, shuffling feet). Watch

your voice tone and inflection, making sure that it is neither

a subaudible whisper nor overly loud.

6. When expressing annoyance or criticism, remember: Comment on the

person's behavior, rather than attack him/her.

7. When commenting on another's behavior, try to use "I statements":

Example: "When you keep cancelling out on social arrangements at

the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really

annoyed." Where possible, offer a suggestion for an alternative

behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out

how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of

inconveniencing.")

8. Keep a log of your assertion-related responses; review them,

talk them over with a friend. Watch good models.

9. Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first; don't leap into

the most emotionally-laden situation you can think of right away!

You don't unlearn bad habits, or learn new skills, overnight.

It is a process not an event.

10. Reward yourself in some way each time you've pushed yourself to

make an assertive response - whether or not you get the desired

results from the other person.

11. Don't beat yourself over the head when you behave nonassertively

or aggressively; merely try to figure out where you went astray

and how to improve your handling of the situation next time. 

REAL RELATIONSHIPS

Partners who make a Real Relationship work have certain skills.

They know and practice communication skills, which allows

them to form a relationship that can endure, deepen, and grow.

Richard Pfeiffer, Director of Growth Central and author of

Creating Real Relationships explains:

"Relationships can be a reservoir of great human joy on one hand or

deepest pain on the other. Love begins with both dreams and fantasy:

the hope of being understood, known, and truly accepted; the hope

of being safe and making another safe, of belonging; the hope of deep

passion; the hope of a lasting and transforming bond. But hope collides

with the realities of love."

A real relationship promises more personal growth, greater

development of the real self, more meaning and healthy closeness,

and emotional and spiritual healing. 

A Guideline for Self Esteem Behavior

1. When expressing refusal, express a decisive "no"; explain

why you are refusing, but don't be unduly apologetic. Where

applicable, offer the other person an alternative course of

action.

2. Give as prompt and brief a reply as you can, without interruptions.

3. Insist on being treated with fairness and justice.

4. Request an explanation when asked to do something unreasonable.

5. Look the person you're talking to in the eye. Check your other

body language for things that might convey indirectness or lack

of selfassurance (e.g., hand over mouth, shuffling feet). Watch

your voice tone and inflection, making sure that it is neither

a subaudible whisper nor overly loud.

6. When expressing annoyance or criticism, remember: Comment on the

person's behavior, rather than attack him/her.

7. When commenting on another's behavior, try to use "I statements":

Example: "When you keep cancelling out on social arrangements at

the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really

annoyed." Where possible, offer a suggestion for an alternative

behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out

how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of

inconveniencing.")

8. Keep a log of your self esteem related responses; review them,

talk them over with a friend. Watch good models.

9. Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first; don't leap into

the most emotionally-laden situation you can think of right away!

You don't unlearn bad habits, or learn new skills, overnight.

It is a process not an event.

10. Reward yourself in some way each time you've pushed yourself to

make an assertive response - whether or not you get the desired

results from the other person.

Online Relaxation Exercises Relaxing Phrases

Sometimes it is helpful to repeat certain phrases to yourself in order to deepen your state of relaxation. A series of phrases are presented for you here.

National Institute of Mental Health

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.html

American Mental Health Association

http://www.amhca.org/

National Suicide Hotline

24 hours / 7 days

National Hotline

1-800-448-3000

TTY - National Hotline

1-800-448-1833

NaturalNews.com

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